Dear New York, I Love You/ I Hate You (Stream of Conscious: Part 1 of Many)

Why is it so tough to drop it all and do a 180 on life?  I mean… I know why, but shouldn’t it be easier if you’ve done it before?

Last time was a breeze.

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I had made up my mind to move to New York City around Thanksgiving of 2009 –and by the time it was January 7th, I had showed up at JFK airport with 3 suitcases and $3000.  I splurged on a cab and gave him an address on Avenue of the Americas.  Yep – New Yorkers, make fun of me! NOBODY says anything but intersections of numbered avenues & streets, haha!  Anyways,I was subletting an apartment in Herald Square and sharing the living room with another girl who had coincidentally just made the identical move. Which made my move feel… more justified I guess?

ImageI’ve since living in New York 4.5 years –people, even other NY transplants, always ask how I ‘did it’ –working for free, dealing with the exorbitant cost of rent and food, making ends meet.

I don’t quite know anymore. I think I was driven by desperation, and pride, to come here; and once you block certain options out from your mind you begin to uncover other workarounds and get creative executing them.

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The next step is to leave. 

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New York City is slowly losing its magic for me (I never want that to happen!) and I find myself pining for home (California) or travel almost every day, all day every day.  Right now it’s pouring & windy, my roommates and I are fighting a losing battle over a massive rent increase, and I’m getting snapchats all day from 90 degree sunny LA. But I also have an apartment I love in the best neighborhood in Manhattan, with great roommates and a pretty perfect job.  And it’s New York!!  How do you walk away from that?

“You must give up the Good in order to have Great”

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I need to remind myself that yes, I came here with bare bones, and yes, I built up a career, a bank account and a network without much. But I also need to remember to be fearless. That “giving it all up” may just mean upgrading for a bigger, more awesome life… and to block out the other options & embrace the next 180 move.

And I need to write it down here & hold myself accountable.

xx,
phyll
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