Dear New York, I Love You/ I Hate You (Stream of Conscious: Part 1 of Many)

Why is it so tough to drop it all and do a 180 on life?  I mean… I know why, but shouldn’t it be easier if you’ve done it before?

Last time was a breeze.


I had made up my mind to move to New York City around Thanksgiving of 2009 –and by the time it was January 7th, I had showed up at JFK airport with 3 suitcases and $3000.  I splurged on a cab and gave him an address on Avenue of the Americas.  Yep – New Yorkers, make fun of me! NOBODY says anything but intersections of numbered avenues & streets, haha!  Anyways,I was subletting an apartment in Herald Square and sharing the living room with another girl who had coincidentally just made the identical move. Which made my move feel… more justified I guess?

ImageI’ve since living in New York 4.5 years –people, even other NY transplants, always ask how I ‘did it’ –working for free, dealing with the exorbitant cost of rent and food, making ends meet.

I don’t quite know anymore. I think I was driven by desperation, and pride, to come here; and once you block certain options out from your mind you begin to uncover other workarounds and get creative executing them.


The next step is to leave. 


New York City is slowly losing its magic for me (I never want that to happen!) and I find myself pining for home (California) or travel almost every day, all day every day.  Right now it’s pouring & windy, my roommates and I are fighting a losing battle over a massive rent increase, and I’m getting snapchats all day from 90 degree sunny LA. But I also have an apartment I love in the best neighborhood in Manhattan, with great roommates and a pretty perfect job.  And it’s New York!!  How do you walk away from that?

“You must give up the Good in order to have Great”


I need to remind myself that yes, I came here with bare bones, and yes, I built up a career, a bank account and a network without much. But I also need to remember to be fearless. That “giving it all up” may just mean upgrading for a bigger, more awesome life… and to block out the other options & embrace the next 180 move.

And I need to write it down here & hold myself accountable.


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